Home Again

Dr. Reich came by on Friday morning as I was being monitored (they took me off of continuous monitoring but they were doing a one hour non stress test at the beginning of every nursing shift) and asked if I wanted to go home. Without giving it a second thought I said yes. We talked a bit about what the perinatologist had found. Dr. Reich didn't seem quite sure that what he was measuring as the edge of my placenta was, in fact, the placenta and not a clot (although I specifically remember him telling us that he could see blood flowing through it and that wouldn't be the case if it were a clot). Either way, she is convinced that the issues created by my low lying placenta have not completely resolved themselves and that I am, therefore, at risk for another bleed. She also wants me to be prepared at this point for a possible c-section since if the perinatologist's measurements are correct then the placenta is not far enough away from the cervix to attempt a vaginal delivery. She said we could continue to talk about it but that at this point she feels more comfortable with a c-section. She did leave open the possibility that we will check the placenta again and if it has actually moved then we can try for a vaginal delivery.

She said I could go home but that I was to be back on the strictest bed rest and that she would prefer I not be left alone in the house. I told her I didn't think we could swing that all the time and she made me promise that if I were home alone and started to bleed that I would call 911 and not sit around waiting for someone to get there to take me to the hospital. She said that if I bleed again before 36 weeks, then I will be admitted to the hospital and will stay there until they can do a c-section at 36 weeks. If I bleed after that mark, then they will do a c-section as soon as I get to the hospital. She seems to feel that Henry will be making an early appearance as opposed to a late one. I set an appointment with her for Wednesday of this week and then waited about an hour to get my discharge papers.

I've been home since Friday afternoon and have been following doctor's orders. I'm not sleeping well at all - up every hour or so to go to the bathroom. I keep feeling like I'm bleeding again but luckily that hasn't been the case so far. I keep getting calls and text messages and emails asking how I'm feeling so I've taken some time to think about it and here's how I'm feeling (in all it's messy grandeur. I will try to disguise the messy with the clever use of bullet points):

• I feel like a ticking time bomb. Like we are all just sitting around waiting for me to go off again. I rush to the bathroom ten to twelve times a day (and even more at night) convinced that I'm going to find more blood only to discover that detonation has been put off a little longer.
• I'm devastated by the idea of having a c-section. Oliver's birth, while perfectly fine, was not the birth I had originally wanted and I was looking forward to trying again (with more support and preparation) for a drug-free birth. I was also looking forward to experiencing going into labor again. This is the last time I will be pregnant and therefore the last time I will get to experience labor. I am also terrified of the idea of having major surgery. And I'm terrified at how long recovery will take. And I'm pissed that if I do have a c-section, then I won't get to hold Henry right away. And, please don't try to comfort me with how it's better for me and for Henry. My rational side knows all of that but letting go of the labor and birth you had imagined is an emotional thing and I need my time to mourn what I thought was going to be but now seems impossible.
• I'm wondering if I made the right decision about leaving the hospital. Maybe it would have been better for me and for Henry to stay where we could be better attended if/when I start to bleed again. I know that hospital bed rest would have been difficult on me (and on Brian and on Oliver) but part of me keeps feeling like maybe that's the best place for me.
• I'm anxious for the days to move ahead. I feel like my body is no longer the best place for Henry and that the sooner he can come out, the better. I'm wishing I were two weeks further along than I am so that we could just get him out of there. 
• I feel like I've been robbed of the "normal" experience of my second (and final) pregnancy. All I am is a bundle of nerves now. I'm not enjoying the kicks and jabs Henry gives me so much as I am freaking out when he's not giving them to me. I have also been robbed of the last few months of our being a family of three. Ever since that first bleed, my time with Oliver has been restricted to watching movies, taking naps, and the occasional game of smash the cars on the couch. I'm angry that we're not getting to go and do things and cherish the few remaining days of it being just the three of us. 
• I feel guilty for all the extra work my bed rest is meaning for everyone else, especially Brian and my mother. And I feel guilty for the stress it's putting on Oliver, who is having more tantrums and dealing with more separation anxiety than I think he might otherwise be. I'm depressed about not being able to help out around the house at all and I feel like a burden to everyone. It was bad enough when I couldn't be alone in the house with Oliver but now being told that I shouldn't be alone, period, is something I'm finding very difficult to adjust to.

I'm sure there's more if I take the time and keep thinking about it but I'm exhausted and want to take a nap. Despite all the negative feelings above, I do feel lucky that Henry and I are both doing great at this point. That he is continuing to grow and thrive despite everything that has happened.

Edited: Ooh! Thought of another. I'm trying not to dwell on this but I am angry about the mistaken measurements at my ultrasound a few weeks ago. If not for the "all clear" I would have remained on strict bed rest. I don't think this ultimately had anything to do with my bleeding again (it was probably going to happen again) but I'm still in that place where I'm looking to assign blame for why it happened when it did again and I'm trying to avoid thoughts that put the blame squarely on my own shoulders.