I was a little surprised after the bleeding from last week that we were even talking about me still being pregnant at 38 weeks. So, as she was writing the orders for that ultrasound, I started talking to her about all of the things I wrote about in my last post - my anxiety, not being able to sleep, feeling like I should have stayed in the hospital... all of it. And, of course, I got really emotional. I told her that I felt like a time bomb and that the anxiety was really getting to me. She was so great as I sat there and basically lost it. She seemed somewhat surprised that I was feeling so anxious since it is the first time I've expressed it to her but she completely understood why I would feel this way. She understands that this sort of situation that is totally out of my control can be really difficult to deal with, especially for someone who likes to believe they are always in control.
She told me that she obviously couldn't prescribe anything for my anxiety at this point but that we would work together to figure out ways to manage it. And that if I felt more comfortable there that she could readmit me to the hospital at any point, that we didn't have to wait for me to bleed again. I told her that I wasn't sure that was what I wanted (the thought of being away from home and Oliver and Brian isn't appealing) but it was good to know that it was an option. Today was really the first day I was home alone since I got home from the hospital and I was surprised at how very nervous I was about that. I didn't think I would mind but, it turns out, I'm freaked out by being alone right now in case something happens.
One of the things that has been most difficult for me is sleeping at home. Both bleeding incidents have occurred in the middle of the night so I go to bed every night terrified that it will happen again. And I'm up and in the bathroom every 30 to 45 minutes to make sure it hasn't. In order to make sure I get any sleep at all I have been taking Tylenol PM every night since I got home from the hospital and I was worried that I shouldn't be taking it that often. She assured me it's safe and not to worry about it and to do what I could to get some sleep. Tylenol PM (obviously) doesn't keep me from getting up throughout the night but it does make it where I can easily go back to sleep after each of the dozen or so trips to the bathroom.
I then asked her some of the questions that have been weighing on me. I felt totally confused about where the bleeding was coming from and spending time on Google (such a bad idea) was just making me more confused. She said that she thinks that what led to my bleeding was most likely marginal placental abruptions, that the amount and type of bleeding I experienced only really occur when there is an abruption. That seems worrisome but she assured me that up to a 1/3 of the placenta could detach before the baby would notice and that since I have stabilized so quickly both times and Henry hasn't shown even an iota of distress either time that she feels confident that we will be fine, even if I do bleed again. Speaking of the blood, I asked her whose blood it was during the incidents. She told me it was "fetal blood," meaning it's Henry's. That wasn't really what I wanted to hear because it has been so much blood both times but again she pointed out that Henry has never shown that either of these incidents has bothered him in the least.
So, Dr. Reich told Brian and I to think and talk about whether we would feel better with me in the hospital. We're going to give it the weekend to mull it over and see how I do on my own tomorrow.
Other than that the plan is as follows: At 38 weeks, I will go back to the perinatologist to check the placement of the placenta. If we can verify that it has moved more than 2 cm away from the cervix, then I will be allowed to wait to go into labor naturally and attempt a vaginal delivery (I'm not sure at this point that a drug-free birth is in the stars for me, but I'd still rather avoid the major surgery if I can. I've never had surgery before and it scares me). If it has not moved, we will schedule a c-section probably in that next week. If, however, I bleed again before I make it to that ultrasound appointment, then we will deliver via c-section immediately.
She then asked me if I would feel better if I spent some time on the monitors today so that I could hear again how well Henry's doing. I told her it would so I spent about 30 minutes listening to his heartbeat before we left the office. She looked at the record of the monitoring and said he looked "perfect." I am feeling much calmer after both writing about what I've been feeling and talking to Dr. Reich about it. I still don't think I'll be sleeping through the night any time soon but I also don't feel like I could have a panic attack any moment either, so that's progress!
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